There aren’t many challenges or situations that are simply black or white. Having an “all-or-nothing” mentality is a type of cognitive distortion. While anyone can fall into this way of thinking, black-or-white thinking is often associated with people who have borderline personality disorder. It’s what’s known as “splitting.”
Splitting is a defense mechanism for people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). This pattern of thinking can lead to intense and sometimes contradictory emotions. It can impact different aspects of their everyday life, but especially relationships.
Understanding the basics of splitting can help you identify the thought pattern and take steps toward healthier coping.
What you need to know about splitting
In the context of mental health, splitting describes a pattern of thinking where people view situations or individuals as entirely good or entirely bad.
It’s a rigid, extreme way of thinking. It allows a person to simplify a complex situation that brings up conflicting emotions. It contributes to the intense emotional reactions that come from the disorder due to difficulty tolerating emotional ambiguity or complexity.
Splitting is most often seen in people with borderline personality disorder, but it may also be observed in people with narcissistic personality disorder.
How splitting impacts relationships
Splitting can surface during emotionally intense conversations, often when a person feels misunderstood or overwhelmed. For example, if a person with BPD is having a disagreement with their significant other, they may say things like, “You’re always terrible to me,” even when the past evidence doesn’t support that. Or they may say, “I’m just terrible all the time,” meaning that they’re seeing themselves as completely flawed without any wiggle room.
A person with BPD struggles to establish a strong sense of self, which can make it difficult to create a sensible opinion on a situation when there are nuances involved. If they don’t know exactly who they are or what they believe, conflicting thoughts can cause overwhelming distress, leading to splitting during intense emotional reactions.
Splitting can impact relationships, whether it be familial, friendly, or romantic, in a variety of ways, including:
- Challenges with making compromises
- Trust issues
- Difficulty discussing constructive criticism
- Escalation of disagreements when emotional responses seem out of place in that situation
- Rapid shifts in perception — seeing someone as perfect one day and toxic the next
- Emotional exhaustion of the person without BPD
When it comes to relationships, splitting often comes from a root fear of abandonment. If you believe that someone in your life is upset with you, then your defense mechanism of splitting may cause you to perceive them as entirely in the wrong or unworthy of your connection.
Ways to manage splitting and strengthen relationships
All mental health conditions have symptoms that can strain personal relationships, and splitting is just one of them. But it’s possible to address and reduce the unhelpful thought process and create stronger connections with the people you care about. Here are a few ways you can do so:
Increase your awareness of splitting
You might not even recognize that you’re prone to splitting or when you’re doing it. When you’re having heightened feelings, it’s not always easy to acknowledge the unhelpful thought patterns that you’re using. But when you’re in a disagreement with someone and it feels like it’s escalating, take a step back and ask yourself, “Am I splitting?”
Challenge your black-and-white thoughts
Once you’re aware of what splitting is, you can learn to take a moment during a disagreement and acknowledge the complexities of it, instead of going with your instinct to split. Try to question your “all or nothing” thoughts to determine if there are other nuances that need to be considered to reach a good resolution or understanding. Instead of thinking, “They never support me,” consider whether they’ve supported you in some situations but not others.
Try therapy
If you’re experiencing splitting, then talking to a therapist is a key ingredient in building and maintaining strong future relationships. They can help you gain perspective and reframe your thought process. Depending on the relationship that splitting is impacting, family or couples therapy could be beneficial. They may also diagnose you with a mental health condition if you haven’t had a diagnosis yet.
If you need more intensive support than regular therapy sessions, Guidelight Health has programs that can help you learn how to manage your symptoms and learn effective coping mechanisms to take the place of splitting. Our Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) and Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) can support you in building emotional resilience and healthier relationships.
Everyone has a seat at Guidelight. Contact our team online or call us today for more information about splitting as a coping mechanism or to schedule an initial evaluation.