If you’re in a relationship that has a pattern of unhealthy behaviors, people may say “just leave.” But that’s not always easy. It’s possible to feel emotionally bonded to someone who has hurt you, making it difficult to separate yourself from them. This pattern is often referred to as trauma bonding.

Trauma bonding isn’t a clinical term or diagnosis, but it’s often seen in people who are in abusive relationships and can be a contributor to symptoms seen in conditions like post-traumatic stress disorder, major depressive disorder or generalized anxiety disorder. It essentially means that you have become so strongly attached to a harmful person in your life, referred to as an abuser in this situation, that you struggle to break the cycle of mistreatment.

It’s often used in reference to people in romantic relationships, but it’s also possible to feel a trauma bond in a friendship or family relationship. It can not only lead to unhealthy connections, but it can also affect your mental health, interfering with your sense of self and even your productivity.

Read on to learn signs of trauma bonding, steps you can take toward healing and how Guidelight Health can help.

4 signs of trauma bonding

Trauma bonding isn’t always easy to recognize when it’s happening because you feel so emotionally attached to the person that you may not be able to take a step back to look at the reality of what’s occurring. Gaining awareness of the clear trauma bonding signs can enable you to have a better grasp on what unhealthy behaviors may be occurring in your relationship.

Here are four clear signs of trauma bonding:

Lack of boundaries (or fear of trying to set them)

Boundaries are essential for everyone, no matter what your relationships are. By setting and maintaining boundaries, you’re protecting your physical, emotional and mental health from external stressors, such as abusive behaviors by others. If there’s a lack of boundaries in your relationship with a person, you’re likely to be affected by their negative behaviors, leading to further distress as the behaviors continue.

For example, if you don’t shut down personal verbal attacks (e.g., insults), they may continue to talk negatively toward you. If you don’t feel comfortable trying to set boundaries with the person because you’re worried about their reaction, you may be trauma bonding.

Excusing the abuser’s behavior

If other people bring up worries they have about your abuser or your relationship, trauma bonding can make you want to come up with excuses about the behavior or brush it off as “no big deal.” You might also be trying to justify it yourself by staying firm on your reasoning.

Rationalizing abusive behavior can be a defense mechanism to protect yourself from acknowledging the truth out of fear of what that means for your future with your abuser. By making excuses for them, you’re also increasing the likelihood of withdrawing from others because you feel like there’s no one else supporting you.

Feeling emotionally dependent on the abuser

Trauma bonding means that you feel like you have an unbreakable bond with your abuser, even though the relationship is causing you more harm than good. That emotional bond can make you feel like your abuser is one of the only people, if not the only person, who can fulfill your emotional needs.

Being emotionally dependent on your abuser can include:

• Needing their validation
• Feeling like your value or self-esteem is based on their opinion
• Difficulty being on your own or without them

Hypervigilance about your own behavior

It’s not healthy to shape what you say and do based on how your abuser may react. Hypervigilance can stem from fear of abandonment or upsetting the person. If you’ve become so bonded to the person, your own insecurities can make you want to avoid conflict at all costs.

Hypervigilance can impact your mental health by making you question your own wants and opinions, potentially leading to missed opportunities due to self-doubt.

4 steps toward healing

Whether you’re trying to restore balance to a relationship or you’ve decided to limit or cut your connection to your abuser, it is possible for you to regain your sense of self and look forward to healthier relationships.

Here are four steps to help your healing process from trauma bonding:

• Stay strong in your boundaries — By learning how to protect yourself from distress caused by others, you can improve your mental and emotional health for a better overall quality of life.
• Prioritize self-care — Being trauma bonded to someone can cause you to become so swept up in the relationship that you don’t focus on what you need as an individual. Try to take the time for the things that help you relax and bring positive emotions, such as journaling or listening to soothing music.
• Open up to your loved ones — Being vulnerable about your emotions and negative experiences isn’t always easy, but having a support system can help you move forward when you’re trying to build your confidence.
• Talk to a therapist — Whether you have a diagnosable mental health condition or not, a therapist can help you dive into the roots of your trauma bonding and develop the skills to heal from them, such as communication and emotional regulation skills.

If you’re in an abusive relationship and you’re unsure how to safely leave, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233).

At Guidelight, we provide an Intensive Outpatient Program (virtual and in-person) and Partial Hospitalization Program if your trauma bonding is contributing to symptoms of mood-, anxiety- or trauma-related disorders.

Everyone has a seat at Guidelight. Contact our team online or call us today for more information about trauma bonding or to schedule an initial evaluation. We provide treatment across the country — and we’re always expanding. See if we offer care in your state, either online or at one of our local clinics.