Sabotage is usually a term associated with enemies, but there’s not always another person involved. Since we all tend to be our own worst enemy, it’s also possible to sabotage ourselves without even realizing it.
If you feel like you get in your own way, or prevent yourself from reaching for something good out of fear, that’s known as self-sabotage. These behaviors, whether they’re intentional or unintentional, can impact your relationships, goal-setting and willingness to try something new.
Understanding self-sabotaging behavior, why it happens and how it shows up is an important first step toward change. That’s what Guidelight Health is here to help you do.
What is self-sabotage?
Self-sabotage is a behavioral pattern that refers to thoughts or behaviors that interfere with your long-term goals, even when you consciously want something different. These actions often happen automatically and can feel confusing or frustrating. On the surface, it may look like procrastination, avoidance or repeated “bad decisions.” But it’s often tied to fear, self-doubt or past experiences.
Contributing factors of self-sabotage may include:
Self-sabotaging behaviors are not a sign of laziness or lack of motivation. Instead, they’re often coping strategies that once served a purpose, such as protecting you from disappointment or emotional pain, but no longer help in your current life.
6 ways self-sabotage shows up
Since self-sabotage is usually done unconsciously, it’s not always easy to recognize when you’re doing it. But with awareness and the right support, it’s possible to interrupt these patterns and move toward healthier choices that better align with your values.
Here are a few examples of self-sabotaging patterns:
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Procrastinating on things that matter
No matter how much you tell yourself that you should finally do that task, it’s easy to talk yourself out of it as well with thoughts like, “Five more minutes won’t make a difference” or “It’s not going anywhere.”
Putting off important tasks, especially those connected to your goals, can be a form of self-sabotage. While procrastination may bring short-term relief, it often increases stress and reinforces negative self-talk.
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Setting unrealistic expectations
It’s important to set goals for yourself that you take steps toward achieving, or set standards that you want to maintain. But they should be realistic. If you’re setting too high of a bar for yourself, there’s a risk of feeling discouraged or burnt out as you try to reach those expectations.
Unrealistic goals can reinforce the belief that you’re “not good enough,” even when the expectations were the issue.
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Avoiding conflict or difficult conversations
Consistently staying silent to keep the peace can sabotage relationships over time. Having quality relationships involves addressing issues that could be causing a strain. It’s important to have difficult conversations that help both people work together to fix the problem.
Avoidance of potential conflict or hard conversations may feel protective in the moment, but unmet needs and resentment can build beneath the surface.
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Engaging in negative self-talk
Being confident is easier said than done. We all have an inner critic that constantly points out flaws, even when there are strengths to focus on. That critic can also attempt to predict failure, shaping behavior more than you might realize. Thoughts like “I’ll mess this up anyway” can make it harder to take healthy risks or follow through.
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Repeating unhealthy relationship patterns
The key to personal growth is identifying unhealthy or unhelpful patterns, and figuring out how to break them. You may notice yourself drawn to relationship dynamics that leave you feeling unsupported or unvalued.
If you’re repeating habitual behaviors in your relationships that are causing negativity, that can be a way of self-sabotaging a healthy relationship.
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Quitting when progress starts
For some people, self-sabotage appears right when things begin to improve. A fear of failure, or past experiences of things going wrong, can make you pull back as soon as it looks like things are going well.
How to start changing self-sabotaging patterns
If you find that you’re exhibiting self-sabotage behaviors, it’s OK. Now that you know what to look out for, you can take conscious steps to start changing them. Here are a few ways to manage your self-sabotaging:
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Challenge unhelpful beliefs
Automatic thoughts that fuel self-sabotage may occur quickly and outside of conscious awareness, but they can be reframed with practice. Try to gently question these beliefs and consider alternative perspectives.
For example, if you think “I’m only going to fail, so I’m not going to try,” challenge it by thinking “There’s no evidence that I’m going to fail.” This can reduce the power of negative thoughts over time.
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Practice self-compassion
When you experience a setback in your progress, be kind to yourself. Talking to yourself the way you would talk to a friend who is sabotaging themselves, can help you fight the negative thoughts that are getting in the way of your goals.
If you think, “I know this is going to end badly,” try to respond to that thought with “Even if this goes wrong, I’m strong enough to get through it.”
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Consider professional support
Self-sabotage can have long-term negative effects on your relationships and future success. If you’re having trouble adjusting your behaviors, it can be helpful to have some outside guidance.
Talking to a professional mental health provider, such as a therapist, can help you identify your self-sabotaging behaviors, figure out the root causes and learn how to work through them.
If your self-sabotaging behaviors stem from mental health conditions that need more intensive support than outpatient therapy, such as severe anxiety or trauma, our three levels of care can help. We provide:
- Intensive Outpatient Program in English and Spanish (IOP)
- Virtual Intensive Outpatient Program (vIOP)
- Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP)
Everyone has a seat at Guidelight. Contact our team online or call us today for more information about mental health challenges from political unrest or to schedule an admissions appointment. We provide treatment across the country — and we’re always expanding. See if we offer care in your state, either online or at one of our local clinics.